Since talking to Liv my whole attitude had changed and my worries had mostly dissipated. The next day we had an overnight stay at a Marae for my counselling degree. Around the dinner table that night, talking to a couple of the guys from my course, I had been able to talk about what was going on with Dad and the implications for me, without falling to pieces. This may seem insignificant but it felt like a turning point for me. Life was going to go on! And so far the only real tangible change it had made to my life was my sudden interest in eating super healthy and eating things like spinach…by choice!!! I’ll eat anything if it’s labelled “Brain food”!
The irony of it was that week I got really sick.
It was still almost 2 months before Dad’s test results would be back to confirm Huntington’s Disease and so it was all about playing the waiting game. During that waiting time we found out other difficult news within our wider family. It never rains but it pours!
Thankfully I had a free trip to Vietnam, work, and a bunch of assignments to keep me occupied. They were due to get the blood results back sometime in October (while I was in Vietnam). They arrived on the 7th but they saved telling me until I got back on the 10th. After some small talk Mum said “Guess what?” The way she said it was so happy that I thought the test results had been negative. For a split second there was that hope for a miracle, a change in diagnosis, no implications for my future!
Unfortunately they were not negative. Mum tried so hard to sound happy on my arrival back from Vietnam that she had me fooled for a few blissful seconds. I stayed in Christchurch that night with Claire and flew to Auckland the next morning to go see Wicked with some of my all time favourite people. It was that flight up to Auckland that was another turning point in my journey. It was more of a turning back though. I thought I had come to grips with what was happening to Dad. I thought I was in a place where I was trusting God that no matter what, things were going to be okay. I was 100% positive I was going to get my own test done as soon as I got back. Thankfully it was a rather empty flight that day and I had a row to myself. As I stared out the window I found tears suddenly pouring down my cheeks. I originally put it down to being tired and jet-lagged…but as the days went on and I continued to struggle with tears (especially at night or while I was driving) I came to the realisation that it wasn’t just being over tired.
One friend suggested I may have been in shock and I think he nailed it on the head. While I thought I had come to grips with it all, there was this small piece of me that hoped it was something else. There was still this possibility that it was SOMETHING ELSE! But getting the test results back took all of that hope away and that was why I was so stunned and emotional. It was final. This is what was happening and life for my family was NEVER going to be the same and it was only going to get HARDER! This is what I was finding so hard to comprehend.
There were 3 things that made a difference in that week. The first I already mentioned was the matter of fact way my friend said “you are in shock”. I don’t know why it made such a difference but it did and it was so nice having dinner with them and just being able to relax after constantly being on the go since I got back (2 trips to Auckland in less than 2 weeks).
The irony of it was that week I got really sick.
It was still almost 2 months before Dad’s test results would be back to confirm Huntington’s Disease and so it was all about playing the waiting game. During that waiting time we found out other difficult news within our wider family. It never rains but it pours!
Thankfully I had a free trip to Vietnam, work, and a bunch of assignments to keep me occupied. They were due to get the blood results back sometime in October (while I was in Vietnam). They arrived on the 7th but they saved telling me until I got back on the 10th. After some small talk Mum said “Guess what?” The way she said it was so happy that I thought the test results had been negative. For a split second there was that hope for a miracle, a change in diagnosis, no implications for my future!
Unfortunately they were not negative. Mum tried so hard to sound happy on my arrival back from Vietnam that she had me fooled for a few blissful seconds. I stayed in Christchurch that night with Claire and flew to Auckland the next morning to go see Wicked with some of my all time favourite people. It was that flight up to Auckland that was another turning point in my journey. It was more of a turning back though. I thought I had come to grips with what was happening to Dad. I thought I was in a place where I was trusting God that no matter what, things were going to be okay. I was 100% positive I was going to get my own test done as soon as I got back. Thankfully it was a rather empty flight that day and I had a row to myself. As I stared out the window I found tears suddenly pouring down my cheeks. I originally put it down to being tired and jet-lagged…but as the days went on and I continued to struggle with tears (especially at night or while I was driving) I came to the realisation that it wasn’t just being over tired.
One friend suggested I may have been in shock and I think he nailed it on the head. While I thought I had come to grips with it all, there was this small piece of me that hoped it was something else. There was still this possibility that it was SOMETHING ELSE! But getting the test results back took all of that hope away and that was why I was so stunned and emotional. It was final. This is what was happening and life for my family was NEVER going to be the same and it was only going to get HARDER! This is what I was finding so hard to comprehend.
There were 3 things that made a difference in that week. The first I already mentioned was the matter of fact way my friend said “you are in shock”. I don’t know why it made such a difference but it did and it was so nice having dinner with them and just being able to relax after constantly being on the go since I got back (2 trips to Auckland in less than 2 weeks).
The second thing was earlier that same day when we were videoing ourselves counselling each other. There were all these huge things swirling around in my head and I was stressing so much about everything I had to do or decide about. Talking through all that helped me see that there were things that I just didn’t have to focus on right now, and that really helped.
The third thing was something another friend said to me. I was having a bit of a “woe is me” kind of moment and he said “let’s say you do have the disease, it's going to rob you of enough of your life later on, don't let it rob you of life now.”
And that was huge for me… I am so paranoid that I have this disease, so stressed and worried about what it is going to do to my body (if I do have it) that I have been letting it take over my mind already. It was robbing me of my life now and I needed someone to blatantly point it out to me.
That was a few weeks ago now and I have been way too busy to even think about it. I got a letter last week informing me I have been put on the waiting list for the test. So time to play another waiting game… my favourite game to play.
The third thing was something another friend said to me. I was having a bit of a “woe is me” kind of moment and he said “let’s say you do have the disease, it's going to rob you of enough of your life later on, don't let it rob you of life now.”
And that was huge for me… I am so paranoid that I have this disease, so stressed and worried about what it is going to do to my body (if I do have it) that I have been letting it take over my mind already. It was robbing me of my life now and I needed someone to blatantly point it out to me.
That was a few weeks ago now and I have been way too busy to even think about it. I got a letter last week informing me I have been put on the waiting list for the test. So time to play another waiting game… my favourite game to play.